Loneliness and nostalgia

I feel very lonely. I don't really have many people to talk to, other than say, my father. I am probably doomed to live like this, as a vagrant whose spirit scorned walks through the wintery and merciless ground. I have retrogaming stuff, and that makes me happy albeit materially. I have an inability to make friends out of fear that they aren't who they say they are, as if they masquerade as other beings. As if they lie to me about themselves.

Family and friendship

So... I have a lot to say right now. I decided to contact my cousin after years of not talking to him, and he gave me the cold shoulder. I sent him a heartfelt message, and he went private on Twitter. I thought he was the cool one, someone who didn't make fun of me for being "different". Turns out, no. My other cousins, when I was younger, let me into their familial "in-group" but they never spoke to me, and when they did they'd just make fun of me or do something bad to me. Only reason I was let in was because of my mom. They didn't want me telling on my mom. Even then I felt alone and as if no one cared about me. Not to mention.. the incident. I was molested then by a family member. I felt disgusting for years afterward. I want to get over all of this shit, but the only way I could is to be self-reliant. I want to rely on myself, call my own shots, and do what makes me happy, i.e. linguistics, retrogaming, theology, collecting knowledge on a lot of things, you know. I want to write about my ideas and all that, but I feel as if raking in cash for books is bad. I want information to be free for anyone. I'd love to spend money to build a library where anyone can walk in, read what they want, and discuss what they want. So yeah.

That's about it for now. I'll add more things related to this later. See ya!